Tag Archives: mother

Slipping

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I’ve been off, lately. You wouldn’t say, if you didn’t know me. No one really noticed much.

At school, I’m as good as ever, even more sociable than before. I have good grades, I have friends, I have teachers who like me. I do my work, I answer, I read. But I don’t feel it there anymore.

Out, I am fun to hang around it. I hear it often, because my girlfriends call me every weekend. I’m the one they like to get drunk with. I am the one they want to go out to dance with, because when I go out, I’m almost the old me again. I shout a little too loud, I’m excited a bit too much, I take way too many pictures and I laugh with all my heart. I sing along to the music, but this time around, I look at my best friend with a smile playing on my mouth and pain in my eyes. She knows. She understands. This time, the lyrics break my heart, little by little, while I try to keep dancing to the beat. It’s all fun, because it goes away for a few hours, that annoying feeling in my chest. I’m excited again, about nothing in particular, but I am. And yet… I don’t feel it there anymore.

At home, my mom got the hang of it. I am writing again and being silent again. I write and read and write and read and do homework due for the next semester till late hours in the night. I draw mindlessly, constantly listening to a band she knows too well. I smile and I sit next to her when she watches her series and I hope she doesn’t notice. But tonight she told me I should live in the present and I understood she understood. It’s the words I can’t pay attention to anymore, it’s the lingering, the staring, the waiting, the nervousness, the always talking about the same subject, the nonchalance I play so badly. It’s the constant going out, the nervous eating, the always finding something to do. The constant talking about the future or about the past, as if I’m living there.

And yet, I still count days and hope for a brighter moment in the here and now.

 

A special person

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Today I received my first ‘before birthday’ present from my grandmother, a wonderful person I would like to introduce you to.
She is very kind, very patient and the person I probably spent most time with. She is strong and ambitious, although she doesn’t always show it. She raised my mother alone, so I know how tough she can be, but also that she can spread more love than any other person I’ve ever met.
She is stubborn and sometimes naive, but would never admit it. She is pessimistic, but somehow, always right at the same time.
I couldn’t imagine any day without her. She knows when it’s going to rain and puts an umbrella in my bag, she constantly reminds me to eat fruits and vegetables ( even if I am 17 years old now), she recommends me books and watches Sherlock with me. She cooks every day, and I know she wants everything to be perfect when I come home from school. She puts little flowers on my desk ocasionally, just so, most of the time white roses, because they are my favourites. She buys me sweets, even if I always tell her that I already eat to much and she can recognize Mika whenever Rain plays on the radio.
And in every little thing she does for me, I know she puts so much love into it and I am so grateful that I was named after this magnificent human being.

Love, M.

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